The Cleveland Browns have been impervious to success for quite a while, and that’s hardly a secret. Over the past 12 years, the rushing clown automotive stuck in reverse has received greater than six football games precisely as soon as. In five of these lively seasons, they topped out at a paltry 4 victories.
To call the situation in Cleveland an unmitigated catastrophe could be placing it mildly. This previous season, their beginning quarterback for 5 video games was a second 12 months participant that turned 30 in Week 6. Solely the Browns.
The storied organization predictably went on to fireplace head coach Rob Chudzinski after only one season, barely permitting the guy a chance to make a dent. Giving a coach one season to fix the Browns is like expecting someone to fix the financial system over their lunch break. So now we start over, once more.
For the time being, and to the surprise of no one, inebriated possession isn’t having a lot luck discovering a brand new head coach. This in fact brings us to a thoughtful suggestion since there’s a very good chance we’ll be having the same precise depressing discussion after subsequent season. And that suggestion is…
Forget the idea of a new Browns head coach and as an alternative have a special guest coach of the week for each of the group’s sixteen games subsequent year. Put it this way, would you rather end 4-12 and be depressing or end four-12 and have a bit fun? You know no matter they find yourself doing, it’s going to be one thing alongside the traces of four-12.
Now there are several methods to go about this. The visitor list may very well be predetermined or followers could vote every week from a list of retired, terrible coaches, ideally ones with football backgrounds, although not required.
Think about all of the fans outdoors of Cleveland who would normally ignore the Browns that might immediately show curiosity, albeit a laughing one. In keeping with my imaginary dialog with sports enterprise executive Darren Rovell, the voting possibility can be the more lucrative marketing opportunity as it would create a weekly buzz leading as much as every sport and allow the Browns to bid out brand placement on the poll for a major company sponsor to slap their brand on. Model consciousness, model explosion.
But alas, since we already know who the Browns are playing next yr, it’s extra enjoyable to make the record right now. Beneath is a listing of special guest head coaches for next season. The chief themes here can be endless charisma and excessive trolling of different franchises, or both.
House Video games
Texans — Gary Kubiak. A revenge recreation no-brainer. Plus, Gary could use the apply and the Browns may agree to middle the game around a sponsorship from Kubiak’s hair dye.
Raiders — Art Shell comes to mind, though for the reason that sport isn’t in Oakland, I are likely to lean Art Vandelay just based on the sheer variety of trick plays that guy most likely has up his sleeve.
Bengals — The unhinged man pictured above. That guy was born to educate a rivalry game. And sure, this will serve as a one-time only “bottles allowed on the field” sport.
Ravens — Lou Holtz. The Browns would most likely give their greatest effort in over decade and the publish-game press conference with Lou peering over the rostrum would be incredible.
Steelers — Some dude dressed in Ben Roethlisberger’s uniform. Whereas I assume this is some type of uniform infraction beneath the coaches necessities, cameras would positively catch the taunting apparel earlier than stated person was required to vary, creating that every one-necessary buzz on social media. The choice after that's to easily don't have any coach for the game and simply let the players run around.
Colts — David Shula. He is now the endearing president of a steakhouse. It’s not like the Browns can get any worse.
Saints — Luke McCown. Drew Brees’ backup who threw one move last year. He’s absolutely ineffective on the Saints sideline and will provide the Browns a couple of pointers. Plus, he began his career in Cleveland. Full circle really feel good story.
Buccaneers — Vinny Testaverde. Had to reserve a spot for Vinny and there’s no higher spot for him to educate than in opposition to the franchise that witnessed him throw 112 interceptions in six conscious seasons.
Ravens — Vincent Okay. McMahon. Bear in mind, this metropolis took the Browns. A stupendous middle finger salute from Mr. McMahon as he emerges from the tunnel would go viral in 30 seconds.
Bengals — Sam Wyche. An awesome alternative to return to Cincinnati to remind Bengals fans that they don't in truth reside within the city of Cleveland.
Steelers — Bill Cowher and his commanding chin. An ugly brawl at mid-field earlier than the game between followers, gamers and scorching dog distributors leads to the NFL’s first ever double forfeit. Twitter retires, SportsCenter experiences report ratings.
Jaguars — Rich Kotite. Was at all times amused by the quote from the previous Jets and Eagles coach of “my report speaks for itself,” especially considering his profession coaching document of 41-57. Makes for an intriguing matchup with the Jags.
Titans — Webster Slaughter. Played receiver for the Browns and then had a few productive seasons with the Houston Oilers, so I’m guessing Webster’s pretty pissed the Oilers eventually grew to become the Tennessee Titans. Excellent buzz surrounding this one, particularly since most of us have no idea the place Webster is or what Webster is doing.
Payments — Vinny Del Negro. No football background however storied coaching ineptitude matches the spirit of both the Browns and the Bills. One other no-brainer.
Falcons — Ralph Wiggum. Fictional character that picks his nose and eats paste, sure, however the Browns are just about a fictional franchise that picks its nostril and eats paste.
Panthers — Ric Flair. The Nature Boy turning the screws on the easily excitable Steve Smith as soon as once more. Two claps and a Nature Boy certainly.
Sadly, it seems as if the Browns will turn to the unoriginal and hire the Bills defensive coordinator … and be the Browns once more subsequent yr.