After Ashley Young was booked for a blatant attempt at simulation during Manchester United’s 2-0 win against Crystal Palace, manager David Moyes made his position on diving very clear. “I’ve always said I don’t like diving,” Moyes said. “Ash has put his leg into the lad’s leg. The boy definitely puts his leg out and, rightly so, he deserved to get booked. I don’t want my players diving. I don’t want anybody doing it. I’ll definitely say to Ash it’s not what I want.” On Monday, Moyes confirmed that he had a private word with Young on the matter. The following is a transcript of that conversation.
Moyes: Ashley, we need to talk.
Young: Sure, boss. What’s up?
Moyes: It’s about the diving. It needs to stop. Right now. I don’t know if Sir Alex ever said anything to you about it, but I won’t stand for it. And yes, that pun is intended. I thought about it last night and wrote it down.
Young: I don’t know what you’re talking about, boss. I don’t dive.
Moyes: Look, you don’t have to admit it. Just don’t do it again and we’ll be fine. Alright?
Young: OHHHH! OWWW!
Moyes: Get up, Ash. What was that?
Young: You tackled me with your words! Oh, it hurts so bad. I think I’ve done my ankle.
Moyes: I didn’t tackle you with my words, Ash. That’s not physically possible. This is exactly what I’m talking about. Just get up.
Young: But I can’t stand. I might never walk again. Where’s the physio?
Moyes: You don’t need to physio, Ashley. You’re faking it and I don’t like it. Now stop it or there’s going to be consequences.
Shinji Kagawa: I don’t dive, boss. Can I play instead of Ashley?
Moyes: No, Shinji, you cannot play! You can never play! No go practice your sitting.
Young: A bug has landed on me! Ahhhhhhhhhh it’s crushing my legs! I can feel the bones shattering under its monstrous weight!
Moyes: Actually, that is a bee. If you keep flailing like that, it’s going to sting you. Now just stop it, Ash. For your own good, just stop it.
Young: Ahhhhh! I flailed even harder and it stung me! I just lost consciousness because of the pain!
Moyes: You wouldn’t be able to say you’ve lost consciousness out if you lost consciousness. This is stupid. Look, if I let you take a penalty, will it stop hurting?
Young: Yes, boss.
Moyes: And you do realize that this is just a training session and taking a penalty right now will be absolutely meaningless?
Young: Yes, boss.
Moyes: Fine. Go and take your penalty.
Young: Thank you, boss.
Moyes: Just try to avoid bumping into Fellaini’s hair and pretending to break your neck on the way. And that’s exactly what you’ve done. Wonderful.